A Mortgage Poem
I have a confession to make. I actually got up this morning and set out to see if I could find a mortgage poem. I got more than I asked for. What I had been thinking I might find would be some rather comical poems, most likely by the disgruntled people who have a mortgage. What I found however was this:
What we can do for you!
We can’t cook your dinner
Or make all your beds
Or mow your tall grass
Or scrub your kids’ heads.
We can’t clean your garage
Or paint your front stoop
Or fix your computer
Or scoop your dog’s poop.
Though we can’t help with these things
You must understand
We can offer you something…
Something quite grand!
We can offer you home loans
That meet every need,
At competitive rates
That can help you succeed.
New purchase, refinance,
Home equity loan,
Need help? We’ll be here
Online or by phone.
We can give you great service,
Never settle for less,
We’re here when you need us,
That’s… The Power of Yes.®
This poem was posted onto the internet about 2 ½ years ago by Geoffrey Pullum a professor of Linguistics at UCSC. He received this monstrosity from none other than his mortgage company. I am no linguistics professor but I can tell you that I think it sucks. However, I do find it rather comical so my initial goal of finding a funny mortgage poem was accomplished. No word on who the company was that sent him this, but for the sake of my readership I hope that no one else ever has to open their monthly mortgage bill only to be assaulted by such pathetic poetry.
If you are interested in the actual literary analysis and dialogue on this poem you can navigate to Pullum’s original entry here: This isn’t poetry, this is abuse
Special thanks to Mr. Pullum for sharing this little slice of life with us, and for opening our eyes to the hidden world of mortgage company poetry.
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